A Year of Challenge

A Year of Challenge

This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. So many learning lessons as I head into a new decade. It has challenged me in ways that I had not known I needed to be challenged in means of being where I am today. A year that has brought me to my knees yet the year that has been the most influential as I lean into motherhood, 3 at 30.

Prior to this moment I was of the thought that I had to continue to live within a box hidden by fear rather than to embrace my truth with confidence. I held the notion that if it looked good on the outside then all was well. A notion that led me into my greatest disparity, a darkness so cold and lonely. This year I struggled with some of the biggest mistakes of my life. Mistakes that broke the identity I had held onto for way too long. I had aimed to satisfy the expectations of way too many.

The Struggle

Being challenged by leaving my marriage in thought that my independence outweighed any opportunity to redeem a broken home, in hopes that this would bring solution to the resentment that I had held onto for years. Only to realize that the struggle followed me wherever I would go. I began to stand realizing that it was not by fleeing that communication and finance would be resolved. And so a glimmer of light began to flicker. I began to believe that I had it within me to forgive and to reconcile breaking the curse of intergenerational trauma, breaking the cycle of divorce. Accepting the responsibility of an unexpected pregnancy, eventually realizing that it was one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive. And so the space for renewal was cultivated. I began to believe in God’s redemption and his ability to heal us through even our darkest moments. Through God’s grace healing began which brought forward the space for vulnerability and connection. I began to change in ways that were authentic to me.

The Struggle Continued

At this time I applied into subsidized housing and began receiving financial aid. Dependence on a system I had so desperately worked myself out of left me with a feeling of embarrassment and a lack of self worth. I knew that there was so much more meant for me. And so it was also at this time that I looked myself in the mirror and affirmed that I had not journeyed all these years to be left here. That I had fought to accomplish so much more and I owed that to myself and my girls. Therefore, I began to apply to the Ministry of Health only to be accepted into a position that required me to travel. Monday mornings I would drive 4 hours up to Northern Saskatchewan, and drive back 4 hours Friday afternoons. After much exhaustion and a lack of connection with the girls, I later applied into a position with a 2.5 hour commute each way. This enabled me to see the girls Wednesday evenings in addition to the weekends. However, I knew this was still not enough and so with continual effort I eventually received a position with Public Health. Though this required me to sacrifice every other weekend, I knew it was temporary. I knew that if I had the ability to get through all that I had gone through, we would be okay. This contract finally ended and I was once again left with unemployment. However, this time I had hope (Jeremiah 29:11) I eventually settled for a position at a local women’s shelter full time, yet knew this was not where I was meant to be. I trusted that I was meant for so much more, and so I maintained faith eventually receiving my dream position with the Ministry of Heath.

Motherhood

Now a mother of 3 at 30 I have the innate responsibility to ensure that I live life to my greatest potential. That if there is anything that I am to leave my babies with, it is the gift of knowing that in life all is possible as long as you’re willing to do the work. It is my responsibility to set the example that if one is to look to my journey, they too can have the ability to pursue their greatest self despite the struggle.  

The Arrival

In order for me to have arrived at this place I had to embrace my deepest self-awareness. The awareness of fear and knowing that I will survive irregardless of the risks. The knowing that action reduces the fear you feel. The more you take those baby steps the greater you lean into who you truly are.
The recognition that fear will always be there, however, as you gain internal success you begin to attract your authentic self. The knowing that if others can dream and create you too can do the same. That you need to be willing to be uncomfortable and maintain faith despite the perceived expectations of others. It is because of the daily discomforts that I’m able to attract the most I ever have.

Remember:

Your life flows from your internal belief system. You create your reality based on what you think you are worthy of receiving.

Action Steps:

First, create a list of what triggers you into negative emotions. Now take a step further. Understand why it is you do what you do. What can you do differently to create the results you desire?